#82 - The Kid who would be King

 OK, this one is a long-time coming. Arthurian lore certainly has a lot of timeless lessons to teach us. Violence is not strength; compassion is not weakness etc etc. It has never had a particular impact on my life but I do find them interesting enough to watch on occasion. But mixing it into the modern world needs to be done with exceptional care and for me, the Kid Who would be King is a clumsy effort.

The Kid Who Would be King was written and directed by Joe Cornish, who had previously written the Adventures of Tintin and Attack the Block, and had a hand with Ant-man. All movies of decent quality. He directed the first 2 of them too, so I hold nothing against him as a director going in.

This film was released by Fox, as one of the last films it released before the Disney takeover but despite some critical success, made a pittance at the box office, not even making back it’s $50m budget.

We open with a decently animated introduction to Arthurian Lore. The land was in chaos until Arthur Pendragon united his people with the sword Excalibur. His sister, Morgana also staked a claim to the throne with her armies of darkness but with the aid of Merlin, she was defeated. The sword was lost to be reclaimed by a worthy successor.

It’s a story from our protagonist, Alex’s, book gifted to him by his father. He’s an everyday average kid, compared later to the generic lego minifig. He gets on the bus to school, which passes by a newspaper stand displaying such informative headlines as ‘Misery,’ yup, we’ve got one of these kinds of movies.

He gets messages that his friend, Bedders, is being tormented by 2 bullies, Lance and Kaye. Despite getting a few insults and getting shoved to the ground, the bullies do leave. But Alex then decides to attack from behind, not exactly an honourable way of defending your friend, is it? Nah, this screams of revenge and you know what they say? It's the most worthless of causes.

This lands him in the Headteacher’s office and he’s told that he needs to change because the world isn’t. This might be one of the most useless headteachers I’ve ever heard. He refuses to say who started the fight because Lance and Kaye would beat him up for saying it was them, why he doesn’t lie and say it was him I don’t know and it doesn’t really matter, because they want to beat him up anyway after this…

He heads home and finds his worried mum, who tries to convince him that the truth is always the way forward, and man is that naïve. Alex ends up in detention and receives a threat of violence from Lance. He runs from him, ending up in a construction site. He’s cornered and falls off a ledge into a pile of sand. The bullies think he might be injured so run off, but he’s fine.

He gets up and finds… really? The sword in the stone? In a construction site? How? Were the constructors planning to build over it, had they already built over it once before? Really stretching the suspension of disbelief early on, movie. He is able to take the sword and for some reason decides to take it home with him.

He calls Bedders and they discover that may well be Excalibur, Alex isn’t convinced and playfully Knights Bedders. We get one of several scenes of Morgan whispering melodramatically. I believe they want to make her threatening, but whispering melodramatically more incites a laugh from me.

Meanwhile Merlin arrives at chemist, looking for beetle blood. He’s naked, btw. Don’t worry, we only see his top half. He uses hypnotism to steal a shirt, then get a ride from police, then he turns into a bird, making you wonder why he didn’t just fly in the first place. The next day, the class is introduced to Mervin, a guy who’s so dorky, Alex wants Bedders to stay away from him as he’s more bullyable than them and… seriously? This guy? The sword presented itself to this guy?

It doesn’t matter of course, because Mervin very much wants to talk to them, especially since… let’s spin the wheel of plot devices shall we

Yes, we have an eclipse coming, and it’s 4 days away, rather than the 4 years Mervin expected. He even stands up and calls to him, saying everyone should kneel before him, much to the laughter of everyone and Alex’s general embarrassment.

After a rough day of this, Alex vows to return the sword back to the construction site in the morning, but over night he’s attacked by a crappy looking CG-effect, he’s saved at the last second by Merlin who says he can’t really be in the mortal realm at night… is that a thing?

He tells Alex to meet him at a fried chicken place the next morning, so they can go out and save the world. Alex sleeps, holding onto the sword, raising quite a surprise for his mother. She demands that he hand it to the police, but he refuses, the attack last night making him suspect he now needs the sword. Naturally she doesn’t believe a word he says and they depart on bad terms.

Bedders and Alex skip school to go talk to Mervin, who briefly turns into Patrick Stewart because they needed a celebrity to add to the credits, but didn’t have the budget for him to actually do anything. He tells him of the dangers ahead and advises him to find more followers, he and Bedders decide to plan out their strategy in the construction, a place no-one will find them, so naturally Lance and Kaye show up for no good reason.

Seeing this is an opportunity to recruit new allies, and I’m not joking about that, he sticks the sword back in the stone, and offers them a chance to get it, they naturally fail because Alex is so gosh-darn special, and Alex says he’ll do if it they let him Knight them and join them on their quest. Because of plot convenience, Merlin can’t simply tell them where the entrance to the underworld is, they have to find it as part of their own personal quest, Alex decides to head to Cornwall to consult his dad, believing he was one who gave him the book from the opening.

Of course, when he does take the sword out, Lance and Kaye take it from him but the timely arrival of another group of demons, forces them to take a stand. During these demon attacks, all humans who haven’t been knighted disappear because heaven forbid this movie have a death toll.

It’s a little convenient for the heroes, god I hate to call Lance and Kaye “heroes,” as there are cars on the street that are abandoned with the keys inside. Kaye is able to drive from playing Mario-Kart? Interesting, maybe she knows about steering, but best hope it’s an automatic, because I don’t think Mario-Kart teaches you about the clutch.

Anyway, with some nice driving and a few hair-brained tactics, they defeat the demons, causing some amusement when the people all return. They head to Lance’s house for an explanation. Where are Lance’s parents, anyway? Bedders, Lance and Kaye all are semi-named after nights of the round table. So, there’s Bedesvire (Bedders), Lancelot (Lance), a Lady Kay (Kaye), and Alex? I mean Alex is sorta like Arthur, if you squint, and then replace rthur with lex. See why I think this is a stupid addition.

And yes, the table has flaps and is technically circular, a round table of sorts… Can we get on with it now, it feels like we’ve been setting this up for ages. Or it might just be how long this has taken me to write. They take the bus to Cornwall using… someone’s money I’m sure but of course Mervin arrives.

There’s a mention of not knowing what chivalry means, and Merlin immediately gets them off the bus to walk the rest of the way to Cornwall. Now, where are they, they’ve got to Salisbury, a town known for Russian spies who love Cathedrals and, of course, Stonehenge. Now for explanation #3223571 of what Stonehenge is, it’s revealed that it’s a nexus point for portal travel built by Merlin and he can travel to any other stone ruin through it.

Merlin explains the code of chivalry. The Chivalric Code, as they call it. Following this code makes you pure of heart and Alex must follow it from the moment the sword is drawn for only a knight of pure heart can vanquish Morgana. Good god, these clichés. And yes, just like any spinoff of the CBBC show, Raven, this is used to make the movie longer, it’s nearly 2 hours!

The Code is simple and rather specific given the rather vague code it was adapted from:

Rule 1 – Honour those you love

Rule 2 – Refrain from wanton offence

Rule 3 – Speak the truth at all times

Rule 4 – Persevere

So, Alex has broken… 1, 2, maybe 3 of those rules already. I mean, is it wanton offence if you already know the person’s a dickhead and treat him accordingly with a snide remark? I mean, he hadn’t provoked it at that specific moment but…

Anyway, the next stage, aside from the 20-mile walk to Cornwall is learning to sword-fight. Merlin uses a duplication spell to create swords for the others to use, then enchants nearby trees to act as their opponents, whilst he heads off to do something important, I’m sure. Morgana uses this opportunity of them being alone and enchants the trees to her bidding.

During the fight, Alex is disarmed and Lance takes the sword for himself. Merlin hears their anguish and returns, vanquishing the trees but he’s been struck and now won’t come back till morning. As they wade through a lake or something, Alex tries to get the sword back and it’s eventually broken and dropped into the water. Lance and Kaye are ready to call it quits and… I guess walk back to London, you’re hundreds of miles away!

Alex theorises that the Lady of Lake who, importantly for this film, exists in every body of water, might be able to return the sword and calls on her to do so, everyone’s faith in the quest is restore when the sword returns, completely fixed and they’re suddenly dry despite being in the middle of a lake.

They come across some riders who think they got lost on an activity or something. They offer to give them a ride and they accept. I guess horses are knighted by default since when Morgan sends more of her demons, the humans disappear but the horses remain in-tact. They manage to outrun them for a time, but end up losing their horses and find themselves at the edge of a cliff, Alex jumps with the others following, landing on some ground just below as the demons launch themselves off the cliff to their doom.

Close enough to Cornwall, Alex goes to see if he can find his father. He finds his father’s sister and it’s revealed here that the demons he struggled were more about alcoholism and he abandoned Alex long ago. If you didn’t see this coming, I recommend making an immediate emergency appointment with the opticians. It wasn’t his father who gave him the book, it was his mother.

This sends Alex spiralling into an existential crisis. Time for Patrick Stuart to make another appearance. Apparently, the sword chooses someone based on individual worth rather than divine right which only makes the round table bit with the convenient names of everyone else even more stupid. The answer was in the f*cking book the whole time.

They find the entrance to the underworld and it’s time for them to split up, Lance and Kaye go to retrieve the horses, because f*ck their actual owners, amirite? Meanwhile, Merlin uses his magic to duplicate coins in an arcade machine to provide them with money. Couldn’t they have just done that on some money they already have? It’ll take a lot of 10p coins to buy the armour they need.

They ride through a portal to the underworld entrance just as night falls again, meaning Merlin can’t come with them. I mean, heaven forbid he do that, this movie might end a bit quicker, can’t have that, can we? Excalibur glows like it’s near some Orcs and they find their way inside. They find themselves attacked by the killer vines, which manage to capture Bedders and Kaye. Seeing an opening, Lance pushes Alex onward, offering to hold them off.

He finds himself above a lava pit, with his friends now tied to the ceiling. He soon finds himself face-to-face with Morgan and she continues her overdramatic whispering. The actor, writer and director can do better than this. What the f*ck happened? She turns into a CGI effect to match her performance. A sh*t-looking dragon. But he tricks her rather easily, stabbing her in the chest. The caverns begin to collapse for some reason so our heroes make haste to the exit. 

Alex gives the sword back to the Lady of the lake and they make their way home. Alex can’t bring himself to face his mother just yet so heads to bed. Funny way to end it, especially since there are scenes from the trailer we haven’t seen but that’s it, this film has been pretty poor, but it’s over now, goodnight everybody.

Wait, What do you mean there’s still 30 minutes to go? Alex wakes up the next morning to find vines covering his window. Merlin arrives and he realises that by not facing his mother and telling her the truth, he failed to honour her and broke the code, so he didn’t fulfil the arbitrary condition for Morgana to be killed.

So, he now needs to face his mother and it’s a nice emotional moment. Can we get to actual climax now, I want this movie to END! Sorry, I may be a bit harsh, but this has taken me days to write, I’ve had this film on my mind for nearly a week. He shows her that this is the truth by summoning the Lady of the Lake in his bathtub and I’ve done minimal research, so please correct me if I’m wrong but I found nothing suggesting the Lady of the Lake exists in every body of water. There are references to there being multiple ladies and not all of them being that good. Certainly, never a bathtub, that just looks ridiculous.

So the group gather at the round table and formulate a new plan, there’s no stopping her coming now, but they can mount a stand against her, using the school as their fortress. Their one advantage is that with the eclipse meaning it’s neither night nor day, Merlin can fight beside them. It technically is either one of the other but hey, at least Merlin can battle with them this time.

Merlin hypnotises the teachers to essentially use school children as soldiers in the coming war. He’s been doing a lot of that in this film? Omg, this really is CBBC’s Raven. He gives a speech. They give a rousing speech, at least they give the kids a choice, I suppose. We’re gonna come back to the relationship between the 4 of them.

Alex Knights everyone, they find a convenient number of road signs to duplicate and also duplicate some armour and begin using gym equipment to set up various defences, even stealing car keys. Merlin can send Morgana away, but needs her contained and Alex needs to finish her off.

The eclipse begins and the demons rise, now looking like a poor man’s Lord of the Rings army. Some of them are run over but they attempt to reverse position they crash. Trip ropes are used next. I don’t mind the ingenuity; it just feels kind of wasteful to use so many resources on so few. It becomes a brawl anyway.

They retreat to the roof, where smoke can hide the lacklustre CG. Morgana enters the scene and has a chat with Patrick Stuart, and she’s still f*cking whispering. She turns into a pathetic looking dragon with her forces nowhere to be found as Alex enacts his plan, using ropes. Wow, you can tell you came up with that plan in a hurry. In something I consider an insult to dragons, this plan actually works.

Unfortunately, Merlin is shot down from his bird form before he can complete his part. He’s alive but is completely drained and can’t create the portal. Thankfully Alex came up with a plan for that too, a smoothie made with beetle blood an animal bones.

And so on this day, with no-one wearing eclipse glasses, Alex kills the worst-looking special effect in the entire film as it’s sucked into a vortex of Merlin’s creation, the disposable CG army is destroyed and the day is saved. But of course, Britain is still divided and ‘leaderless’ because social commentary reigns supreme.

I don’t like this film. I know I’ve been real subtle about it.

The acting is below par, not awful by any means, especially the kids, but the older ones, are generally not that great. But a film doesn’t live or die on performances alone, there are a lot of other problems.

I think I’ve covered plot throughout this review, know that I’ve skipped or glossed over rather boring walking scenes. The pacing isn’t great, this film would’ve been better tightened up to a nearer 90-minute runtime.

The social commentary would be fine if this film ever had anything to say. Hey, the world is divided now. That’s an original point that no other movie has ever made before. It doesn’t go further than divided and leaderless to analyse why things are the way they are, and how you can go about changing it.

Merlin’s talk with Morgana is about evolution and how they have to accept that this is not their world anymore and the people of this time have to be allowed to make it theirs. This is in part countered by most of the rest of the messaging in this movie, but it might have held more resonance if Merlin had made any attempt to integrate into society beyond ‘wear clothes’ and ‘visit school.’

But this film wasn’t about Merlin, in fact they made any excuse to have him disappear, this film was about Alex, who is a serviceable protagonist. He’s smart, proactive and loyal, certainly traits of a Knight. His character faults stem as much from the situation as his misguided faith in his father. His arc is rather predictable, but it’s fine.

Bedders is pretty bland, they could’ve done more to make him funny in my opinion. He gets metal duplication powers from Merlin, which he’s trusted to keep, so keep an eye on him in the future.

Lance and Kaye start out as bullies and I feel their integration into the group is mishandled. It takes a rather odd view that the reason they bully others is because they’re scared of being nothing and I wish it were ever that simple. Some bullies have bullies of their own, and have developed unhealthy coping mechanisms. Some have been brought up badly, with little respect for themselves or others. And some are just assholes. Based on what we know, I can only put them in the final category, their characters are not explored in any meaningful way, which makes their eventual turnaround feel arbitrary and forced, this is especially the case with Kaye, who shows much earlier signs of turning than Lance did.

And, let me make myself clear, it is never the onus of the victim to change the bully. That is a terrible message this story might imply to some people.

Morgana is the weakest aspect of the movie. Even with an army at call, he’s rarely threatening, her demons can be taken out with a light gust of wind, or traps adapted from Home alone. Her vines are scarier but don’t actually do anything of note and the CG on her dragon form is shockingly bad.

Is The Kid Who Would be King the worst film I’ve ever seen, hell no, but I can see why it didn’t really catch on the way some people hoped

Rating 40%