Disney has definitely shown determination to continue to support its streaming service, whilst they don’t have the power of Netflix, which may well be a good thing given Netflix’s shaky financials, they certainly have a bunch of original films and tv shows to show off, many of them with a larger than average budget. We’ll be looking at the Marvel side of that soon, but today we’re going to look at the adaptation of Artemis Fowl, and why, despite having many of its core plot points, it's not a good adaptation.
Artemis Fowl was written by Eoin Coffer and released in 2011, it has spawned a successful series of 8 books, and a spin-off trilogy. Disney had helped publish some of the later novels, which appear to have had a bunch of different publishers over the years, so they were in a good position to vie for an adaptation. Originally intended for a theatrical release in 2020, covid changed their plans and it ended up being released on Disney+ instead. The film had a budget of $125m, that’s very expensive for a streaming film.
But the reception to the film with critics was pretty cold, with a mere 8% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes. What happened here then? Let’s take a look.
We open at very hard to read text, a little bit thicker
bordering might have helped that text stand out. The police
have arrested someone in connection to a series of robberies instigated by our
Titular character's father, Artemis Fowl Sr, robberies so famous that the press are there
in force.
We cut to MI6 Red Fort Interrogation Unit, Thames Estuary
London, a bunch of poorly kept stacks on stilts. Best and brightest of MI6 they
are not. The arrestee in question is Mulch Diggums, a name so apt you could
call it a plot device. He tells them they want the brains of the operation, as
he’s the one who stole the Aculos, “a weapon so powerful and mysterious it can
barely be imagined” which is code-speak for lazily written plot mcguffin.
Anyway, he tells them the kid is the real threat and begins
to relay the story, can someone tell me what the point of this scene is? I like
Josh Gad as much as the next guy but… Our introduction to Artemis Jr sees him
partaking in surfing for no apparent reason. He’s also in what looks to be
public school. Now, there’s no lost family fortune in this adaptation so why
isn’t he in private school?
We’re at a school council session, Artemis is ludicrously
intelligent and arrogant to the point of narcissism, and we see the here the
dead father from the book is replaced by a dead mother. Disney, if you’re
mother’s not already dead, we’ll kill her. We’re the family friendly space. By
the way, this is terrible therapy.
Now he’s on one of those stupid single wheeled skateboard
things. And we’re introduced to Artemis Sr. Yes, the dead father is alive. I
did say this followed some plot from the book, but we’re yet to get to any of
it. He’s away from home a lot but when he was around, he regaled Artemis Jr
with tales of the faeries. I need not point out the obvious problem of him
being alive and them both having the same name and the confusion that is
inevitably going to arise from it. Tell me that 'Artemis is teaching Artemis
about the faeries' isn’t confusing.
But it’s a problem for another moment, as Artemis Sr is
going to leave so he can be captured and get the story moving. So Artemis Sr is
captured and our story begins moving, his yacht arrives but no sign of him.
Artemis finds out on the news, and somehow there’s also links between him and
the thefts of dozens of other irreplaceable priceless artefacts. We’re
introduced to Butler, who doesn’t like being called “The Butler” for… reasons…
He’s a an all round badass.
Artemis’ reaction is… ok, someone took the book Artemis and
locked him in a closet. Even in the context of the movie Artemis is supposed to
be exceptionally clever, he would’ve worked out what his father was doing, I
don’t believe that he didn’t know.
The kidnapper then contacts the housephone, which Artemis
answers over Butler’s objections. A mysterious individual demands that an
artefact called the Aculos is given to her, in exchange for his father, her
enemies have apparently prevented her from getting it directly. Artemis Sr
tells him to not get involved, but tells him the fairy stories were all true.
Butler shows Artemis a secret compartment in the house,
containing many of the Fowl Family’s discoveries, that they kept to… stop them
falling into the wrong hands… okay… Anyway, Butler knows nothing about the
Aculos so Artemis finds his father’s journal by answering a riddle and
learns... nothing we didn't really already know.
We cut to Haven City but regrettably not the one from Jak
and Daxter, though with just as many hover-vehicles. It’s a city in the Earth’s
core where the fairies live. We’re introduced to officer Holly Short and get
some exposition that the loss of the Aculos has caused panic and uncertainty in
the fairy realm.
Mulch is here and is being sentenced to 400 years for crimes of
tunnelling and entering. He’s also regrettably serving as the narrator of the
film putting on his gruff voice. Meanwhile, our villain has approached Cudgeon,
who apparently has been court-martialled for some offence or another. He is
being let off his court-martial but now needs to infiltrate fairy high-command
to ensure their ineffectiveness against Artemis.
Holly Short is a member of the LEPrecon, essentially a
police force, and they’re responding in force after the theft of the Aculos. And
of course, their other aim is to ensure their anonymity. Humans cannot know
they exist. We’re introduced to Judy Dench as Officer Root, which means the
sexism subplot from the book is a no-go. Apparently, her father is missing,
giving her a link to Artemis. Root excludes her from the Aculos mission,
telling her that her time will come and not to make it personal.
Meanwhile, Bulter’s niece Juliet is brought in to help with
the defence of Fowl Manor. He needs to summon a fairy to find the Aculos, as he
can find no trace of it, their best bet is a fairy that periodically visits the
Hill of Tara.
Back in Haven city, we’re introduced to Foaly, the tech
expert of the city, who reveals of an unaccounted fairy on the surface, with
all other officers searching for the Aculos, Officer Short is sent to find it,
but is told by Root not to engage.
Cudgeon enters at this point, reminding Root that Short’s
father is the one who stole the Aculos from them, he’s also now appointed to
keep an eye on Root. Short is sent up to the surface and begins flying in
search of her target, now being told to keep it contained until memory wipe
arrives, which is a different thing from not engaging it.
She approaches Martina Franca, following a trail of animal
bodies. The creature is a troll and Holly is forced to intervene before it eats
a kid. Short decides to show us what a time freeze does now before it becomes
important later and sends one up. Against orders, she uses some of her magic to
heal the kid before engaging the troll again. The time freeze activates,
stopping time in the localised area for everyone other than Short, allowing the
fairies to remove the troll and mindwipe everyone.
Holly gets ordered to return to base but decides instead to
try and clear her father’s name. So, Beechwood, Officer Short’s father, came to
Artemis Sr with stories about the Aculos, both realising it had become a prime
target and Artemis Sr agreeing to keep it safe somewhere in the manor. The
figure is named Opal Koboi.
Opal Koboi from my research was an antagonist of some of the
Artemis Fowl novels, just not this one. Aside from being a fairy, her edge is
that she has a very high intelligence and can compete with Artemis’ intellect. Anyway,
Holly is en-route to Fowl Manor but Artemis had Butler in-waiting for just this
moment and has her tranquilised.
Short immediately sends out a rescue, much to the goading of
Cudgeon. Artemis flashes back to having a talk with his father about fighting
fairies, a memory that makes it harder to believe he didn’t catch on that they
were real until 2 seconds ago. They wear reflective sunglasses so she can’t
hypnotise them. And then Artemis formally invites her into his home, having
discovered her name and now she has to do whatever he says.
Of course, his intent is for the fairies to come to her
rescue as that’s all part of his plan. A time freeze is put in place over the
house so the fairies can move in, the time freeze is only to impact the outside
of the house so Artemis can be kept alive to be talked to. A huge army of the
LEPrecons come in to make the rescue. Unfortunately for them, Artemis and
Butler make short work of them using Short’s weapon. One of the fairies loses
their helmet, Artemis tells LEPrecon through the helmet to send someone to
negotiate in the next 5 minutes, and they might not have much longer as a short
has destabilised the time freeze. Some of this is from the book.
Opal wants to use the Aculos to wage war on humanity. IQ of
300 in the book and this is the best they could come up with? Hell, she’s
explaining her evil plan to her captive for no reason. Root comes to negotiate
but it’s an empty hand, Artemis wants the Aculos and they don’t know where it
is any more than Artemis does, Artemis does know this, he’s trying to force
their hand. No fairy can enter the house whilst he lives, so their next best
option is to send in Mulch, because he’s the dwarf with the name.
Artemis gloats to Holly, who says he’s enjoying it but we
can’t have that because that’d be like Artemis from the book, so they beginning
comparing notes about their fathers’ predicaments. Now, at the 53-minute mark,
they tell us what the Aculos actually does. It opens portals… honestly, a tiny
bit let down by that.
Anyway, Mulch Diggums wants to be shorter so he can be
accepted by his own kind, but all Root can offer him is 50 years off his
sentence. They negotiate to 74 years and a cell without goblins. And we get the
horrifying visual of Mulch dislocating his jaw so he can eat through the
ground, whilst the dirt comes right out of his ass.
Mulch immediately finds a hidden safe behind a painting,
something I figure would be rather easy for Artemis to find on his own,
honestly, and he begins opening it. Artemis lets Holly go, rather trustingly
really but knowing that Holly has to follow his orders since she was invited
into his house.
Inside the safe is the Aculos of course, but thanks to a
camera Mulch had on him, Root and her command know of this too. It’s here that
Cudgeon is asked to intervene, taking control of the LEPrecons and going for a
direct assault against Fowl Manor, this time using the troll they’d captured
earlier. Cudgeon jams all the magic in the house so Holly can’t use her gun,
apart from later when Artemis uses it to shoot things. She spends most of the
fight stuck on a chandelier.
It's an ok fight, but the end result is that Butler ends up
underneath an unconscious troll. The time freeze begins to collapse. Holly is
able to get Butler out, but he’s dying as Holly doesn’t have her magic to heal
him. I hate death fake-outs, so manipulative. Thankfully the LEPrecons outside
decide Cudgeon has been enough of a killjoy and override him, restoring Short’s
magic and allowing her to heal him.
We cut to after the time freeze has ended, where Holly
returns of her own free will, she’s the only one of them that can use the
Aculos without dying. With her help, they can use the Aculos to bring back
Artemis Sr, good job too as Opal was about to kill him. It doesn’t seem to work
at first but of course it bloody worked. We’re at the 80-minute mark.
Artemis explains everything about Beechwood to Holly, and
gives her a list of accomplices to conveniently use. You know, Opal is still
out there and the Aculos was so unsafe in Haven City a decision was made to
relocate it to Fowl Manor, but we’re supposed to treat them having it back as a
happy ending? Holly is tasked with investigating every name on the list by
Commander Root and gets an ovation from the other LEPrecons, she has a team
now, or something…
There’s still the issue with the media, which Artemis says
he has a plan to deal with. He then calls Opal and tells her “I’m Artemis Fowl,
and I’m a criminal mastermind” and if your response to this is anything other
than laughter, you haven’t been paying attention.
So why is Mulch in prison? Aside from him telling the story
being a way of delivering exposition? Well, turns out Artemis set it up, Mulch
shows his Dwarf parts, adding credibility to the story he just told them, and
tells MI6 they need the Fowls to keep the fairy and human worlds separate,
which I guess they believe. The Fowls then arrive in a helicopter to pick him
up. I guess he now works for them, because why not? And Holly is along too, for
some reason. Shouldn’t she be busy right now?
This is not good, not good at all
Let’s start with the obvious problem that is the crux of
almost all the major issues. They’re attempting to humanise Artemis Fowl and
make him more likeable, but in doing so they remove a lot of what makes
Artemis, well, Artemis. He’s not a criminal mastermind in this, I’ll grant that
he’s a master-planner but his objective, regardless of the means taken, was
altruistic, not so in the book, where’s looking to recover his family’s lost
fortune by stealing the LEPrecon’s gold, because, you know, that’s what
Leprecauns are famous for.
To accommodate this change, they’ve had to make the story
more complicated, the stupid plot mcguffin, its relation to Fairies and Holly
Short and Opal being introduced a book too early. Also, having Artemis Sr being
alive and captured. They do put fair amount of plot points from the book in the
story, but most of it now has to be altered to justify its existence in the
context of the new story, Artemis suddenly knows so much about Faries he knows
they’ll send in a giant dwarf to bury his way into the house. In the book he
had a special book with everything he could possibly need to know about Fairies
and he still didn’t entirely anticipate that.
I don’t understand this change at all, the books [along with
not an inconsiderable number of stories really] established that we can have a
villainous protagonist, someone who is okay with doing the wrong things in
pursuit of a selfish object providing they hold themselves to certain moral
standards. Not being abjectly cruel, never unnecessarily so and using peaceful
means before resorting to violent ones.
Speaking of violent means, Butler doesn’t do much of
consequence. He shoots the time freeze with Short’s gun that can turn into a
bow, an aspect that was established in a deleted scene. The best we get is the
narrator telling us that he’s a total badass. His niece gets off even worse,
being barely a footnote in the story.
Some positives, Haven City looked decent, the direction was
mostly fine, some of the mansion scenes were made to look cramped which was odd
but whatever. The special effects were average, aside from Mulch, which with
was intentionally horrifying.
This is a pretty insulting adaptation of a popular novel,
one big changed spiralled and ended up torpedoing the entire film, a shame as
it’s a solid book that could have had a great adaptation, and it’s not like
Disney are above making villainous protagonists, see Maleficent or the upcoming
Scar Film as 2 examples of such
Rage Rating 75%
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